The Locker
by Scarlet Phlame
Summary: After being banished to the world beneath Wonderland, Hatter wakes up in Davy Jones' Locker. Chaos ensues. (I own nothing.) ONESHOT, but might continue. Total crack. Flames will be used to make chocolate s'mores!


Hatter's eyes opened to the sound of heavy, labored breathing. Head pounding, she nervously sat up.

"Great. Looks like little 'ol Jackie is stuck here with us," a miniature version of her mumbled from her shoulder. Hatter nearly jumped, her eyes widened, and she quickly tried to shoo the thing- whatever it was- off of her shoulder.

"Easy for you to say," another her on her left shoulder said animately. "I mean, come on, at least you- HEY! STOP TRYING TO KNOCK ME OfF YOUR SHOULDER!" Left Hatter said. Right Hatter shook her head and climbed up onto Hatter's head.

"There," Righty huffed. "Now, quit calling us 'Lefty' and 'Righty', we're named Hatter!"

"This isn't normal, is it?" Hatter mumbled.

"What are you gonna do about him?" Lefty squeaked.

"I say we kill him," Righty replied boldly, a grin stretching across her miniature features. "Get it over with."

"No! We should use him as leverage!" Lefty argued.

"Leverage? For what?" Righty cried.

"You two are insane," Hatter mumbled, reaching over and shaking Jack hard. "This isn't going to work," she mumbled.

"So you aren't gonna kill him!" Lefty said happily.

"No, you idiot, she's reaching for her knife, see?" Righty pointed out. Lefty paused.

"HATTER, DON'T!" she screamed.

"Shut up!" Hatter snapped, sliding the knife back into its hilt and standing up.

"You made her mad," Lefty said nervously.

"Weren't we always mad?" Righty wondered.

"Yes, we were mad, but not ANGRY mad. You made her angry mad."

"Ahh," Righty mumbled. Both shot a nervous glance at each other.

"Okay, listen, do either of you know where we are?" Hatter snapped, her patience was running dry by this point. Both shrugged.

"No clue," Righty said truthfully. "I've as much knowledge as you do."

"Because we are you!" Lefty said cheerfully. Hatter groaned.

"Fine, then leave. Go. Now!" The two just stood there, gawking at her like complete idiots. "What is it?" she snapped. Lefty hopped off of her shoulder, Righty following suit. Hatter turned in the direction in which they had left, and her mouth fell slightly ajar.

"No f*cking way," Righty mumbled.

"It's a ship," Lefty said, obviously in awe.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Righty quipped nervously, before running back over to Jack.

"Wake him up!" Hatter rolled her eyes.

"I'd rather leave the fop be, thank you very much, er... me."

"You wake me up up up up up up!" Lefty sang.

"I'm wide awake!" Righty yelled.

"All right, all right, I'll wake him up, just please stop singing pop!" Hatter snapped as she kicked Jack in his side.

"Do it nicely," Righty said. Lefty rolled her eyes.

"You idiot, you can't kick someone nicely," Lefty pointed out. Righty paused for a moment.

"Touché," she finally admitted.

"Stop it, both of you!" Hatter yelled. She paused for a moment, before leaning over.

"I will prevail!" she sang. As soon as she hit the E5, Jack jumped up off the ground.

"What?!" he yelled, immediately reaching for a weapon. Hatter groaned.

"Great. See that ship? We're going there. You can come, if you want," she said lazily, before turning and striding off in the other direction.

"We're?" Jack questioned. "Is anyone else here?" Righty smacked her forehead and whispered to Lefty.

"Do you think he has to practice to be stupid or he just is?" she wondered. Righty shrugged.

"I dunno. Takes one to know one." A grin spread across Lefty's face as Righty spoke.

"I have an idea." she appeared on Jack's shoulder. "Ready?"

"What are you doing?" Righty asked, appearing next to Lefty.

"Wait..." Lefty inhaled deeply, before screaming into Jack's ear as loud as she could.

"THIS IS YOUR CONSCIENCE SPEAKING!" Righty almost burst into maniacal laughter, but Lefty clamped a hand over her mouth before the damage could be done. Jack nearly skyrocketed up into the air.

"YOU HAVE BEEN VERY NAUGHTY LATELY, JACK!" Lefty yelled.

Jack immediately swiveled his head to his right, the same time Lefty and Righty appeared on his left shoulder. He appeared to be a little more nervous, now.

"Wha-"

"You will come with Hatter to the ship," Lefty whispered." Jack nervously looked around once more before heading off in the direction of the ship, where Hatter was currently trying to figure out how to get to the top.

"Hmm," she mumbled.

"I have a conscience with me," Jack said. Hatter's thoughts travelled to Lefty and Righty, and she smiled a little but said nothing.

"Let's climb up," Lefty suggested.

"Okaaay, then," Jack mumbled, grabbing ahold of the rope and pulling it quickly to see if it was strong enough to support his weight. It appeared to be, and he began to climb aboard the ship, Hatter following closely.

"Umm... Hatter?" Jack asked once they were at the top. "Just where are we?" Captain Jack Sparrow looked up from the deck.

"Ah, hello, mates, welcome aboard the Pearl," he said with a wry grin.

"Where the hell is this place?" Hatter blurted.

"You're in Davy Jone's locker, mate," he said simply.

"Who are you?" Jack asked, nervously stepping behind Hatter, before changing his mind and stepping in front of her again, and then remembering he had no weapon and stepping behind her again.

"Captain Jack Sparrow," he replied fluently.

"Holy sh!t," Jack mumbled. "Okay, why is everyone named Jack? It's always Jack, I mean. Come up with something original! Jack in that new movie that just came out, Oblivion, me Jack, you Jack, Jack and the beanstalk, Jack the giant slayer, Jacqueline the giant slayer from Once Upon A Time, Jack be nimble jack be quick, Jack and Jill, jack in the box, jack in a box, Jack sprat, John Lennon-"

"Your conscience demands that you shut the hell up," Righty said bluntly.

"Well, I never thought of that meself," Sparrow said thoughtfully. "Now, what brings you to the locker, mate?"

"Her," Jack said, pointing at Hatter. She sent a glare in his direction but otherwise said nothing.

"So you're Jack Sparrow," she said dryly.

"Aye." There was a long pause. "But there should be a 'Captain' in that somewhere."


End file.
